Sad

I was pregnant and I lost the baby.

I wasn't sure if I would blog about this. But it is a part of our story, and if my story can help anyone out there then some good will come from sharing it. You see, in the past I have read about others' losses. Mostly people that I only knew through the blog world. At the time, I felt terribly sad for them but I didn't really understand. When it happened to me, I went back and re-read their words and it was comforting to know that I am not alone. It was comforting to see that their lives kept moving on and they became happy again. So maybe by sharing my story, someone out there will read it and know that they are not alone. Everyone's story is different, and everyone grieves differently but you are not alone.

This has been a hard trial. One that I really cannot find the right words to describe. I have felt sadness that I have not known before. I have felt guilt. I have felt denial. I have felt lonely. I have felt loved. I have felt comfort. I have felt hope.

People have been so kind to me. Kase, my sweet Kase. He has been the greatest blessing of all. I have seen Kase in a new light. We have greived together. I believe we have grown even closer. He has been so sweet to me and has taken such good care of me even through his own heartache. This has been very hard for him too. Sometimes I think during these sorts of times the husband is forgotten, but he lost his baby as well. And it is sad. I don't think I could get through this without him. He is my sweet love.

I am worried. I worry that this will happen again. That I will have to feel this pain again. That if it happens again, I will feel that people will think there is something wrong with me. Even though I know it is nothing that I did.


I am grateful. I said a prayer last week, that if something were to happen to our baby to please let me know soon so that I could be prepared. It would be so much harder to go through if we had been farther along. It was a tender mercy.

I am blessed. I am so glad to know of eternal families. So blessed to have my sweet family and sweet friends who have been there for me. Who have prayed for me and cried for me.

When I began feeling bad, I asked for a blessing. After the blessing, I felt so comforted that everything would be OK. As the night progressed, I began feeling much worse. I kept thinking about that blessing. It occurred to me that I would indeed be OK, just not the OK that I was thinking. That blessing still provided me such comfort knowing that Heavenly Father was aware of me and was with me during my sadness.

We loved that baby from the moment that we knew. The baby's spirit was in our home and a part of our family. That spirit will always be a part of our family. The feeling that someone is missing is very painful. But we also have the feeling of hope. Even through my tears, I have felt a whisper of comfort from Heavenly Father. I know that it will all be OK.