Motherhood

Sometimes I wonder when did I become that person who can't stop thinking about my baby? I try to make it so she's not the ONLY thing I talk about to people, but even when I talk about something else, I am secretly thinking about her. I mean really, she is cute. I kindof want to eat her. Just a little. I am obsessed.

But in a way, I am glad I am so crazy about her.

When she was first born, people would say to me "Isn't being a mom so great?!" I would think.... uhhh not really.

I mean I loved her sooooo much. Of course. I thought she was beautiful and sweet. And the first time I saw her I knew she was a miracle. But those first ohhh..... 7 weeks of her life were the hardest 7 weeks of my life.

Hours of crying (both she and I). No sleep. No energy. If I was home alone with the baby I didn't even have enough time to grab decent food or get a shower. Breastfeeding sucked in everyway possible. Painful and time-consuming. She ate for a hour and then was hungry again an hour later. I felt trapped.

I dreaded nighttime because I felt so lonely. Even though Kase helped, he couldn't feed the baby every 2 hours for me. Taking turns sleeping on the couch with the baby lumped on our chest because that is the only way she would sleep. Uncomfortable. Sleeping in our bed for a hour or so while Kase pacified a screaming baby downstairs felt luxurious and torturous all at once. A tease of sleep.

Did I mention our baby cried? A lot? She was hardly consolable and nothing I did (besides feed her) would help. I felt helpless and unhelpful.

I knew motherhood would be hard. I knew a newborn would be a lot of work. But I was totally unprepared for this.

Maybe I had the baby blues. Maybe I had a colicky baby. Maybe I had both. I don't know.

So when people talked about how motherhood was wonderful, I found it hard to relate. I longed to feel that way too.

I knew the rough weeks were a phase and they would pass but it didn't feel like it. It felt like life would stay that way forever. I imagined what it would be like to have a 6 month old insist upon sleeping on my chest everynight. She was going to be so heavy.

But time slowly crept by. She began to cry less and sleep more (and in her crib!). She began to smile at us and coo at us. She began to pat my face and grin when I come into the room.

And suddenly I found that motherhood was the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced.

Just one smile from my little girl was worth all the tears, the sacrifice, the sleepless nights, and the pain of those first weeks. She makes me feel wonderful. My little family makes me so excited to wake up everyday and so excited to get home everynight.

So that is why I am obsessed with my sweet baby. That is why I can't stop thinking about her. And yes.... being a mother is great.