This post may be a little too personal and a little too long. I usually don't write things that are too personal because... well... this is the internet. And I try not to write things that are too long because.... well... noone likes to read super long posts.
So skip it if you want. But I wanted to write this for my records.
I have been in a weird mood lately. I feel like I am at a really weird point in my life. When I was a kid I always dreamed that I would be 1 of 2 things when I grew up: a teacher or a stay-at-home-mom. I wanted to be a teacher because I love to organize and calendar things and I thought that making the bulletin boards would be super fun. Oh yeah and teaching kids would be cool too. I wanted to be a stay at home mom because I wanted to teach my children and organize my home and calendar things and.... I think I could totally make a bulletin board for my home.
Turns out I am neither of those things. Life does that you know. You make plans and they don't exactly turn out the way you thought.
I am OK with not being a teacher. I really love the job that I do have. I love the people that I work with. Plus I don't like public speaking and so teaching may have been a little much for me. I would write more awesome things about my job but for security purposes I cannot. But my job rocks.
I do wish I could stay at home with my sweet little baby. I know that it's not easy to be a stay at home mom. I know they work hard and oftentimes don't get much credit for all that they do. I think it would be hard to not be around friends/co-workers everyday. But I wish I could do it.
If I stayed home, I could spend everyday with my baby. It has been hard lately because Eliza has started sleeping in later, and going to bed earlier. So that means less time with her. I use to think that I would get up and go to work really early so I could get off early and have more evening time with her. But that is unrealistic at this point. If I did that I would miss seeing her in the mornings, miss dropping her off at daycare, and miss nursing in the morning-time. Right now I only see her for a little bit in the mornings and a few hours in the evenings plus weekends. This makes it hard for me to do anything else but be with her when I am not at work. I don't want to go do anything babyless because that just takes away from more time with her. But I know I need to do things babyless because I need to nurture other aspects of my life.
If I stayed home, I think I would clean my house more. Currently I feel that spending time as a family is more important than dusting (or other housecleaning acitivities). Kase has picked up a lot of my slack and I am grateful. The problem is I actually enjoy cleaning and it makes me feel good when I clean. So I begin to miss it when I am not cleaning.
If I stayed home, I would feel less guilty. It is hard to leave the baby. I know that she loves playing with her daycare friends and I know that she loves me and seems to be doing really good. But for selfish reasons I miss every minute I am not with her.
If I stayed home, I might have more friends. I would have more time for the friends that I do have, and I could make friends with other stay-at-home moms and we could hang out during the day. I have 1 friend at work who is a working mother to small children but we don't really ever talk about it. I don't think it really bothers her. I don't really know anyone else who works full time. Ok I do know 1 person but she is so busy we never have time to chat (see above). The people I know either work but don't have kids or they stay at home.
I know I am doing what I have to do. We cannot afford for me to stay at home right now. I know that I am blessed to have a wonderful job that I really love, an amazing husband who puts up with my craziness, and a sweet daughter who I would not trade for anything. I would rather be a working mother than not a mother at all.
But sometimes it gets lonely and then I need to vent. So there you have it.
And because the only thing worse than a really long post (too late to rememdy that) is a post with no pictures. Here is my Junebug hydrating after a walk with her dad:
5 comments:
Thanks for sharing this. You have my complete sympathy. When we lived in Virginia I was in the same boat for awhile, so I can totally relate to everything you described. Sometimes I need a reminder of how hard that was. Just this week I was really missing working and the satisfaction that comes with earning a pay check, and that daily interaction with "real" people. I guess the grass is always greener.
If you really miss cleaning and hanging out with people you can come clean my house while we hang out and kill two birds with one stone! :) Even being at home I am still horrible at cleaning/organizing/every other thing I am supposed to be good at.
I'm sorry Laura :(. No inspirational words except to say that you are doing what your family needs and they will thank you for that.
I felt the same way with you!
Daddy
i was gonna say something deep . . . but all i have is you're awesome. eliza is perfect. you guys are the best people, so you'll always do what you know is right. that doesn't make it easier, but at least you know that things are going how they should. for now. love you guys!
I can't imagine being a mother and not feeling this way. One of my biggest guilt like feelings is not being able to stay home with my kids. I always thought I would be a teacher or stay home mom as well and like you I am neither. But working and providing show your children a great example as well. Everytime I have a new baby these feelings emerge, but as the children get a little older it improves:) And then you are glad to have a job so you can get out of the house and have a real conversation. hahaha.
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